The Waves Of Emotions
By this time next year, my plan is to have visited California at least once, and be able to soak up the sunshine and catch the waves. My five year plan has turned into 2.5, and thats the goal I am working to set in motion. By changing my career path before I hit 40 is a major part of it. I’m going to be 39 in less than 4 months, I’m pretty sure I’m past the mid life crisis criteria. I yearn for something more than what I am doing currently, and will use the skills I have to make that jump completely. Staying stagnant in what no longer serves me, and a finding a career to thrive in. I have become very burnt out in the past couple of months, feeling like I am stuck in traction and basically Groundhog Day. Basically all my days have run into each other, the same reactions, I could record my voice and press play. Feeling robotic isn’t healthy by any means, and things you were thankful for once, now are sources of your resentment. That’s not the person that my mother raised, or how I would like to portray myself.
I feel like I’m at the crest of the wave before it crashes down, and goes back out to sea. There are so many emotions that go into being me, and its not easy by any means. When I decided to start sharing my world with others, my intention is to bring attention to how someone with anxiety and depression functions. I’ve built a community with that, and tried my best to keep being transparent, as the lines are definitely very blurred in how I feel. It’s important to me to show the most vulnerable parts of myself, yet still leaving a little to the imagination. It’s part of the reason I am very private about certain aspects of my life, especially my marriage. The less you allow people into the most intimate part of relationships, the better they function. In the past I was open with people, who used that information against me, and frankly that’s just an off limits topic for me at this point. What I will share is that relationship I have with him, is a blessing. To be with someone who sees you at your absolute worst, and can still help you pick up all the pieces, support your dreams and love you the way he does, Ace is one of kind.
To never be judged based on how you feel about yourself is important in any relationship, especially ones with your friends and family. I do share some of what I feel at times, other times I am completely shut off. I think that has a lot to do with my coping mechanisms, I would rather isolate myself and cry then share what’s floating inside this head daily. For the most part, I do have a supportive tribe of friends, but there are things that will always remain a mystery to them about myself. If you have the opportunity to know me outside of work, the stripped down version of Taaureane, I hope you consider it a good thing. Truth be told, I’m a pretty boring person, a plant and cat mom, wife and daughter, among my other interest, and just the drive to always learn more and be more. The Lion King, 13 Going On 30 and Avatar are my comfort movies, chasing sunsets, the perfect veggie burger and look up at the stars are my idea of the perfect date. I will eat ice cream in the coldest temps, forever half baked ( the perfect combo), and the beach is my solace and source of inspiration. I guess you can say I am exactly as my zodiac portrays me: Cancer, Sag and Sag Rising. All of those individual emotions created the fearless child, to the mature adult I’ve become.
As raindrops fall outside my window, hitting the sill just right, I see it as a cleansing. Water washes away all of the built up debris we take on, replacing it with a clean surface. As people that same thought rings true, we let things build up and bubble to the surface. We allow our emotions to become suppressed, which frankly is unhealthy and can become debilitating. Then the inevitable happens, the bubble burst and anger flows through, relief is the emotion usually felt from that. The aftermath is what you are left with, how to progress from that point. Back to the rain for a moment: each drop represents an emotion, falling to the wayside, and collectively dissipating. As the last drops fall and the misty dew clears, the sun appears out of the clouds, as if to say you made it through another day. If you really think about it hard, life as we know it, is the perfect storm.
Take Care,
Taaury
