Breakdowns and Breakthroughs

This blog is dedicated to those fighting the silent battles in their mind, trust me I hear and see your silent cries. As someone who still suffers from anxiety, this isn’t the best of times for me, but I battle on because if I don’t, I will fall into that dark place. I have learned that sometimes my version of coping mechanisms isn’t the best, but that is something that I’ve tried to improve on this year. The holidays are very tough for me, as someone who isn’t a parent, I don’t have to pretend to feel that spirit that has alluded me for the last 5 years. Instead sometime this week I will sit there and watch Polar Express, and have a good cry. Traditions you see don’t die, just because one of the equation does. It’s my tribute to my Mom and acknowledgment that she existed. I am ready to start grieving in a healthy way this coming year, this one I learned to let go of the anger and abandonment issues. Do we ever get over the loss of a parent? I think we do if we become one ourselves, because we feel that love, which is unconditional from a life we created. Many people say the day of their child’s birth is the first day of life, for all involved. It’s a new beginning, untouched and unfiltered by the world, it is truly a gift. The way my Mom looked at me even if she was upset, was something I wont forget, no matter what I was her Boo and nothing else mattered. That is something that is a gift and a curse for me right now, as her memory is fading from my mind.

Voicemails and recordings that I do have are painful, they are of her telling me that she isn’t immortal as I once thought. She had a timeline at that point, one that came far too quickly, robbing the world and my family of the glue that held us together. After she passed away, I felt awkward at my in-laws house, or with other people. It was like I didn’t belong, I still feel that way years later. If I ever have a family of my own, maybe I will feel different about the subject. Right now its still a sore spot and I am working my way through it, the best way I know how. I’m not alone in that, as I scroll through Facebook and even Twitter, people have expressed feelings of feeling lost, and depressed during this very different holiday season. Isolation has taken on a whole different meaning, its not as optional as it once was, kids seeing their grandparents through windows and masks. The life we once knew, is not the reality we exist in. What we can be thankful for though is even with social distancing, traditions at least for children still exist. The magic of the season, whether it be their Elf on the Shelf, Christmas lights that are ride by, or hot chocolate and cookies, those memories still exist for them.

It’s not all dark and twisty for me this season, I am blessed with a group of friends that have become my family. While I try not burden them with my crying fits about my mother, I do sometimes share the feelings of loss about her with them. It’s not something I feel 100% okay with talking about, but it helps me work through the anxiety of her not being around. When you lose someone that close to you, it’s hard to get over. People who have suffered from similar parental or spouse loss are a part of that club, that’s exclusive but painful. We try to comfort each other with messages or little words of encouragement during the course of days and weeks. It’s the little things truly that can brighten the day of someone who might otherwise be lost in their own thoughts. I know firsthand that first holiday without my mother, I was numb like it wasn’t real to me. I just went through the motions of what was expected of me, not really stopping to feel. I can honestly say five years later, that cut is still fresh, I will still sob for her unexpectedly and ask God why her. The thing is I know the answer, because she was in pain and her body deserved rest, what I saw that January morning was her body, but her spirit was already free.

Depression or anxiety that is year round is a whole different ball of wax. As someone who is very close to a person who suffers from bi polar, I know the different extremes it falls at. Knowing what triggers this person is truly important, because it’s a gauge to how to approach the relationship. When this person decided to no longer seek services or medication, I respected the decision, but also took to account as to why. Not everyone wants to be “controlled” on how to feel or think. That’s why I’ve chosen to not medicate myself myself for my own anxiety. I have in the past and I feel that it doesn’t work for me. Instead I use meditation and yoga to keep me centered, as well as sharing my journey though this blog, which I consider to be therapeutic.

When you suffer from anxiety, the interview process of finding that one person who will make a difference is trying. As a kid opening up about my abuse to a stranger, was uncomfortable. By the time I was a teenager, this was a process I had done about 4 times, each one of them brought something to the table, it just didn’t mean I was going to sit there. It’s more difficult as an adult to find that “perfect” person, because they don’t exist. However there are trained professionals who will make you feel that you matter, and not pass judgment. I think that’s why most people don’t seek out services. No one wants to be the elephant in the room, as if everyone is staring and can feel your inner thoughts. We all know unless someone has a superpower or is psychic that’s not the case.

There are two situations that stick out to me, very different stories of friends. One is the wife of an Army Ranger who is currently deployed. They can either be back and forth daily or go days without contact. Those days seem longer than the norm, when you have no control over what is happening. The feeling of the unknown is scary for her, when she sobs as she looks at the unread texts. It’s becoming a diary and when he finally answers, she can breathe again. Not before the red rimmed eyes and sleepless nights crying herself to sleep over him. That is situational anxiety, and loss of control of her emotions. I say a prayer every night for them, until he’s home safe. The other is a co worker who had lost their spouse this past year. He is a very happy person and brings everyone happiness with his smile. I remember when the spouse was in the hospital for what turned out to be the last time and me approaching him to hug. He was a shadow of himself, already resigned to the grief ahead. He thanked me and said I love you. The spouse passed that night, he was off for about a week and a half and came back. When asked why, he said life goes on and he couldn’t sit at home crying because he would drown in his own grief. The cliche saying time marches on is just that, grief and loss will always linger.

Breakthroughs happen when you choose to accept what situation life is throwing you. My life hasn’t been perfect since my mom died and I’ve tried my hardest to overcome a lot of issues. The grief and anger is something that I think will always be a part of my makeup as a person, it’s how I chose to deal with it daily. Many people go through this time and yet again, missing someone beyond belief and that void always existing. It’s a trauma which does lead to PTSD and other forms of mania sometimes. Seeing that firsthand is scary, I’m not going to lie, but it’s also brought me more awareness as an advocate and as someone who suffers from it. The moment I peeled away the layers of how I felt, was my rebirth. You can’t awaken the person you are meant to be without going through some dark shit. It’s like rewriting the code to your story, the pages are often blank, scribbled outside the margins and footnotes. What’s important here is how you choose to end this story, every path isn’t always for you, it’s jagged and rough before you hit that smooth sailing. You know that feeling you get when the sun hits your face, after the coldest winter? It’s the warmth that beams off your face, the position just right and you breathe and exhale. That’s what it feels like to come to yourself, the messy, damaged, beautiful disaster you are. Just know that you inspire people by just getting out of bed everyday, you are a beautiful ray of light, that this life is testing. Don’t give up, or give in to the temptations that block your way. The music you heard as a kid, maybe your favorite song, you would move fluid to the movement. You felt every beat and tone, let that be lesson as an adult, continue to feel that same freedom and live out loud.

Take Care,

Taaury37