The Journey Back To Myself

1. Do you ever think you have been truly blessed with someone? The one person in this world, that can strip you down to your bare bones? Sure that is also the person who you sometimes go to battle with, but at the end of the day are willing to put feelings aside and work and fight for your relationship. I’ve been down that road multiple times and even being married, those things continue to linger. What makes it different however, is when you commit to someone forever. That’s called many different names: soulmate, twin flame of love of your life. I chose the word my heartbeat, because without him my heart would have never fully healed. In a world full of what ifs and uncertainty he’s my peace.

In life where we experience so much heartbreak, there is that light or beacon that keeps us going. I’m not saying your existence should solely rely on your significant other, it should be balanced because of it. I mention on my social media, which I have mostly detoxed from, more on that later, that this year has been my spiritual awakening. It took me 5 long years to get back to the person I was, while I’m not that person I feel that I’m 100x stronger. I’ve done shadow work on myself, and with soul searching also came answers, that I had been seeking for so long. I had to really sit with myself and think, how did it really get to this point. Depression and anxiety is a very powerful thing. Losing my mother was the tip of the iceberg for me.

I had spiraled since, lost in what was my reality and life without her. Even though I went back to work, resumed my normal life, something always felt off. To still want to text her or call her when something big happened, it was an adjustment for me. I still talk to her, I look up at the sky and say Mumma we made it. The journey back to myself continues and it is an everyday battle. Between the panic attacks and PTSD that has lingered for years, I’ve learned that you have to let go. I don’t just believe that because it’s been told to me, that I’ve grieved for too long. Despite that there is no timetable of grief, I have worked through this on my own. No amount of therapy or classes can help you replace the person you lost. I still speak about my Mom, but I’m very careful about how I speak of her. My peace of mind is more important than pushing my internal buttons.

The events that led me to leave my position in my old department, was the final cutting of the cord. All of my adult life I’ve worked with food, and when you have accomplished the ceiling. Truth be told, I had nothing left in the tank for that. I needed change because I was no longer thriving. Taking the screening job was something that allowed me, to work in the medical aspect. Which also put me in the position to see the true workings of the hospital. From administration to the Emergency Room, I’ve finally seen day to day operations, been part of conversation and soaked it all up. What I’ve gained from all of this is clarity, and discovered something about myself.

The discovery was that my purpose in life to help people, still exist. That’s not just the mental health aspect of things, but the service part. I’ve mentioned in the past my wanting to become a healthcare professional, a nurse. Unfortunately due to my mother’s death, my whole image of what that was shattered to me. Even though that’s not in the cards for me, I have found something that does light me up. When my mom had multiple strokes, she was transferred to rehab. There she was able to receive speech therapy, occupational and cardiac rehab. She was released when she could complete things like cooking, standing and her other ADLs. She had a form of her independence back, and her smile crooked or not. That is my next field of choice, not just a job, but a career. One that we leave me fulfilled in ways my old one couldn’t. Compassion and empathy is something that is used in my current position, and that will translate over to my next. When my friend Steph suggested it, I really thought about it, and went to work on information, now I’m completely sold on it. Now I just have to wait for the right opportunity to showcase my skills.

Finally, let me address my MIA status on social media. When this pandemic first starting and I created this, we were in a stay at home order. I have worked this whole time, started a second company, while also being a wife, best friend and daughter. Then I took a different position at the hospital that puts me on the front lines of Covid. That requires many different shifts, and lead to burnout. When my health takes a nosedive, I know it’s time to steps away from certain things in my life. Social media is a double edged sword, yes I love sharing content, but at the same time, negative aspects also lurk. That meant turning off notifications on certain apps and decompressing. In 2021 I will return to that, but with a different outlook on it. If it doesn’t serve me positively, I have to let it go. If this year taught me anything, it was to take a second look at things. All isn’t what it may seem, and if you want to change the outcome, put yourself first. I had a conversation with my best friend Lisa the other day and I was like, rather than say the pour from an empty cup, how about replenish? My main point is you can’t serve anyone if you aren’t feeling 100%, currently I am at about 75%.

The awakening I’ve spoken about is coming into completion, there is one last piece that will make it perfect. As I await that day along with other things my future has to hold, I look back on the events that lead to this. If the world didn’t have to stop, would Taaury37 exist? The answer is I honestly don’t know, as this was created to spread community and grown to awareness and empowerment. I am now a published guest blogger on another site. My picture was taken as a frontline worker for the local paper, and I will soon be interviewed on a podcast. This year has been by far the most challenging for all of: losses and gains, saying goodbye forever, and truly looking at the reflection in the mirror. As this year draws to a close, let us pray for a better transition in 2021. Next year I have big plans for myself, planting the seeds as we speak, water them along the way and watch me blossom.

Take Care,

Taaury37

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