Internal Judge and Jury

Inner conflict is one of the things that keeps people up at night. I know from personal experience that going to sleep, and being interrupted by my own thoughts is well unsettling. Counting sheep isn’t always an option, when thoughts race through your head. Why am I here, how did this happen is one of most asked questions. Wait, there’s more to that, the emotional breakdown that conspires to break us next is the main culprit. This happens most when we say environmental/work changes, and it takes its toll on our subconscious. For this is where majority of our reality happens, and takes place. Nightmares that creep up in the dead of night, the only thing that stops us is the lull of our own tears and sniffling. This is mental health and the inner workings of how the coping mechanisms often fail us. As I’ve mentioned in previous post, as someone who has gone down this path myself, there is an ON/OFF switch internally. The situation here is how do we reach it? Let’s dive in shall we.

As far back as I can remember, I have suffered from a form of anxiety, that isn’t something I’m afraid to share with anyone. As a child I went through some unfortunate incidents, one that required me to seek inpatient help. That was because I was unable to process why a grown man who I trusted, could hurt an 8 year old girl. I blamed myself for a long time, and at a point I started to tell my friends what I was going through. At age 13, standing at the bus stop with my then best friend, I told her, I was being sexually molested. She was 14, and it was probably a lot for her to digest, but I got that off my chest, it was a slight relief. The abuse did continue for another 4 years, and during that time I had a lot of inner turmoil. The only man I trusted was my grandfather, aka my Dad. I fought many demons that kept me from eating and sleeping, I felt as though this must the normal. It wasn’t until he threatened my life and my Mom’s, that something snapped internally. It was like an explosion of emotions in my own head, my silent screams, were now very loud.

The next thing I remember, was the detectives at my bedside asking questions, and me being silent. All the years of being quiet, had built up into an inferno, now it was raging deep inside me. My mind was shot, and I had to put the pieces back together. My mother who blamed herself and other supportive people in my life, helped me come back from the brink of madness. No 17 year old should ever go through that and wonder, did I deserve this? The answer is no. Over the years, I had spoken about being “touched” in therapy, which I was in because I was acting out. You see the correlation now? My silence was costing me the ability to be a child completely. Showing multiple therapist where on my body I was being touched with dolls, but saying at the same time don’t tell my Mom. That’s why as I hit my teens, I began to resent her, we were always super close, and because I couldn’t and didn’t tell her a wedge was forming. It took me awhile and working through the anger to get over that. I went on some antidepressants to help silence some of the pain that still lingered.

I never went to court about it because, as I was told, at best 2-4 years. This is why victims stay silent, there is no justice for us in the end. As I hit adulthood, I didn’t date, I protected my heart and mind at all cost. When I was in my early 20’s, I finally came out of my shell, I was in college and working and I met my first bf. He was much older than me, and we were together for about 10 years. I think because I felt safe with an older guy, and there was really no pressure to be a way, that we worked. He was old school Portuguese and I was the first black woman he ever dated. We had quite the dynamic and in the end, the age difference became the main issue of our breakup. There wasn’t a future there, and as much I loved him, and his twisted way of loving me, it wasn’t going to work.

By this time my mother’s health was on the decline. I took care of her and worked on myself and eventually met someone else. Closer to my age and much different experiences. There are certain things that I’ve had to deal with in that relationship, and that will remain private. It’s not always easy to love someone that has issues of their own that they deal with daily. As your have heard my own story, demons exist everywhere. I think how we cope with them is how we learn to grow outside of the circumstances. During and before my marriage, I have experienced loss, including my mother and a miscarriage. Both were traumatic events, that I’ve dealt with semi private and in my own way. Those events are two different sides of a spectrum, neither of them could be really broken down here, its just the pain. The pain hurt more than I can ever put into words. However, they made me stronger as person, I am able to use these as a carthartic moment, rather than be caught up in the misery.

My mother’s death was a time stamp, like the dash that separates her time on Earth and her final breath. That was a dark cloud that followed me for 5 years, I would find myself falling apart at times unexpectedly, crying out for her. So the depression crept back into my life, I had to talk to a therapist, and other times just retreated to myself. No one could reach me, not family or friends, I was a shell of myself, going through the motions. During that time, I left my longtime job, started my new one, got married and experienced many different things. Every October until January, I would shut off completely, it was my time to mourn, my own personal pity party. I didn’t celebrate holidays and worked instead, because the family I knew and loved was gone. Events changed last year, I went to Thanksgiving at my in laws, and allowed myself to enjoy it. Then in January right before the 5th anniversary, I finally made peace with her death. I said a prayer and she sent me the greatest gift, I could ever ask for. It was confirmation, as much as I feel alone at times, she’s always here with me.

Since then, I feel like the drowning feeling I had has subsided, I came up for air. The air is metaphorical, but has a meaning behind it. The people that the Universe has given me, outweighs what I lost, when she left me. With her, I felt and knew unconditional love, and there are only 2 other people in this world, besides my grandparents that have given me that. This is not to say I’m “healed” in any way. There is a reason that I will forever advocate for mental health and the stigma. There is two sides to every coin in life, that saying “you get the hand you are dealt with”, is very cliche to me. No what truly happens is, you work through the demons and shadows that creep up on you daily, you can overcome them. You aren’t the situation you are in, you are an element of it. For you hold the tools in your arsenal that will propel, to greatness. Don’t ever sell yourself short, because of an illness, a disorder, or your triggers. We live in an idealistic world where we feel the need to mirror each other, listen up: “Darling you were made for so much, give yourself the credit to see beyond your limitations”. The world isn’t just your oyster, its your pearl.

Take Care,

Taaury37