Something Wild
I’ve learned a lot about myself recently, the more time I spend alone, the more reflecting I do. With that I’ve seen a change in my demeanor and how I now feel a peace of mind, that was lacking for quite some time. Burnout has certainly played a role in all of this too, I’ve worked myself into a frenzy at times, which isn’t the healthiest for someone who has anxiety. Fighting off the issues of my stomach has also come back, whether it’s from stress or just the lack of proteins etc, it’s raging in the background. With that being said, I’ve decided that going plant based is probably my best bet. As a person who grew up vegan, I didn’t really crave meat and it’s counterparts, it was the lack of protein and being anemic that lead me down that path. Looking back I regret doing that, I have had health problems ever since. While I can’t turn back the clock of the last 30 years, I can make sure the next 30 will be fulfilling.
By doing research on the matter, I’ve learned that there are foods I can still enjoy, just the healthier version of them. Being able to digest and keep my food inside is also a major factor behind this decision, I’ve had some violent reactions to food lately and it’s scary. It’s as if my body is saying to me Taaury, this isn’t it anymore. Chest pain, throat burning and nights where I sob myself to sleep. They have been off and on, but lately it’s been a catch 22 on what exactly is safe for me to eat. If you look at my body from the outside, it’s far from what you expect, I’m plus size and have a large upper half because of genetics, a curse in my case. It’s caused a lot of confusion about my health with people, because visually I’m bigger than your average person. Despite losing weight, my breast have not gone down in size and it’s frustrating. I mean let’s be honest, who wants to sleep with a bra on so that they don’t suffocate? No show of hands, I didn’t think so. It causes a body dysmorphia, that makes me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I’m slowly climbing out of that shell, and beginning to love myself fully again.
My silence, well that’s been explained over the last 3 or 4 blogs, I have chosen to decompress more, and take care of myself. If my mind and spirit isn’t fully sound, I can’t be good to anyone, including my audience. Goes back to that pouring from an empty cup line, mines was bone dry, I had given everything to everyone else, neglecting myself. Now I make myself a true priority, I allow myself a day a week, to really just do absolutely nothing. This often falls on my weekend off, or my days off, where I just chose to sleep a little later, go for a walk and just tune into what my soul needs. Daily I’ve started listening to a podcast other than my own, going on YouTube and looking for quality content and just writing down my thoughts. This has helped me in more ways than I thought possible. Sometimes you have to quiet your own thoughts, to accept what you need and the changes follow.
Since next month I am starting a new chapter in my life, a new career, this is the last of my old schedule. I am down to 15 scheduled shifts at a place that was my second home for 5 years. I leave behind so much, good memories and not so good experiences, co workers who will forever be my friends in life. Most of all it taught me a craft and skill that will help me transition fully into my new role. Being in a fast paced environment and seeing life and death situation first hand, I can’t completely put into words. What I can say is I will forever cherish what I had there, even though it’s coming to a close. I’m looking forward to a new city, commuting (lol), having my own desk, and being surrounded by a new group of people I can learn and build connections with. This truly has been my season to grow and evolve. The person I was last year no longer exist, hell the one from last month doesn’t either. I have allowed myself to come home, to feel emotions that I thought had come to a pass and to thrive in something new. I can’t make predictions on how my story will eventually end, but this ride has been nothing exhilarating, a learning curve and absolutely divine.
