The Upside Of Life
In the world of mental illness and life in general, there are going to be those ebbs and flows. It’s how we choose to handle those moments, that is important to how we progress. For instance last year at this time, the only people who knew who I was were my friends, family and co workers, now I’m a name that is well known in the writing and mental health community. I built my growing success from the ground up, I don’t apologize for ever putting myself out there. My story while still being written is inspiring to others, especially those who have to dig deeply everyday to get out of bed and function. I write for them, just as much as I do myself.
When I decided to make my dream of being a writer, a legit writer a reality I took the steps necessary. Yes, I’ve seen rejection during this time, including writing for a blog that I thought fit my idea point. By the third time of not even getting a letter of thanks, I moved on knowing that I was being re directed into something much more. Did it bother me that they didn’t consider my work, yes but once I really looked at the content, my goals as a writer wouldn’t be met there. Months later when I saw the opportunity with Brainz, and really looked at what I would be gaining, I realized why I was being re aligned.
The Universe had bigger plans for me, all I had to do was grab ahold of them. My frustration in myself and my craft lessened, and my belief that I could do this emerged. When you can’t figure out what it holding you back in life, sometimes it’s the reflection in the mirror, which I think hurts more. Holding myself accountable was the first thing and getting my ass in gear. If I wanted to be successful at writing, I needed to find my niche. That niche just happens to be mental health and positivity and my own takeaway from my own life story, which Brainz had researched before I starting contributing. To actually remark that what I write, resonates with an audience fueled my passion more. I know this may seem shocking but even I suffer from writers block at times. This was especially true when I wrote my first professional article. Beyond The Afterglow, was received in such a positive light, and was a major step out of my comfort zone. Writing here, is my safe space, doing it for a larger audience was intimidating. Using that experience taught me, you won’t achieve what you want in life being afraid, dive head first into what challenges you.
Now that I have that experience under my belt (almost 3 articles in), I can actually say I’m content writer, not just the girl who blogs. This week was quite the awakening, I participate in a clinical trial, and I see the Dr. every now and again. He said to me after a semi normal EKG, “why don’t you get gastric bypass, you would feel better”. I explained to him due to pre existing stomach conditions, that I wouldn’t survive that procedure, secondly I’ve battled stomach issues for a year plus, the steroids I take make my weight fluctuate. He made one last suggestion during that visit, going on Topamax, so that I would have less of an appetite. I sat there in tears as he smiled the whole time, he made me feel like complete shit. I went home and cried, spent the next few days really thinking about what he said. To look in the mirror and question all the hard work I’ve put into this body, and my mind and feeling somewhat good was sad for me. I’m never going to be a size 0, and that’s okay with me. Ive fought insurance for years, to try to reduce my morbidly obese breast, each time getting rejected. During the pandemic, I got very serious about my health, becoming certified in Yoga, riding my cycle to the Peloton app and running. I do realize that not everyone sees my body as ideal, I don’t at times either, but I wont allow it to break me as a person. I will get to the place in my life, where I can again feel comfortable in my own skin.
As I prepare myself to hit what is considered “midlife” aka my 40’s, I can look back on all that I have accomplished to this point. From being the quiet and shy child, to spending my teen years battling an illness that still plagues me, losing my mother and getting married as an adult, and hitting 37, the year when I awoke from my slumber. Since then, I’ve learned to process and deal with my own weakness including the my anxiety and depression, helped inspire others through my writing, and finding love within myself. At the end of the day, there are many sides to us as individuals: the public, the one your friends and family see, the private one that your spouse and you share, and finally when you sit by yourself and are able to reflect with. It’s not easy to put on all those hats during the day or week, honestly its exhausting. In order to find the real you, stripped down to the bare bones, absolutely transparent with who and what you stand for, thats the real you. Often times for me, that either starts or ends with a good cry, you have to cleanse the soul sometimes, ego vs mindset and reality, they hit really hard.
Today however, I’m changing that. After a hour and half conversation with my hubby last night, I realized something. He is my biggest supporter and his understanding of how I feel about things, is unmatched. We are very private for a reason, because we don’t look for distractions to impact our relationship, and individuals or a couple. He is a different type of best friend. The moments that I go into fight or flight, are the ones that I’m holding myself back from feeling. My success, sometimes scares me, like I don’t deserve it, because it means I’m changing as a person, evolving. I don’t want to lose what’s important to me, so I need to delegate, and reset how I do things. Relationships in my life are so vital to me, that I have learned to take a step forward, rather than backwards, its the here and now that matters most. Life, is never what it really seems, what you see is not always the whole story, but an exert into the world. What exist can be reversed at any moment, so while you have the reigns in your hand, pull tightly and keep control, and follow the path you deserve.
Take Care,
Taaury37
