The Ways Of Wisdom
Thank you. Those are the first words that come to mind when I think of this year and what’s its done for me. Before all of this, I was just Taaury, the introvert and book smart woman. What has become of that is someone who is beyond comfortable in her own skin and understands her full impact on others. Writing this blog and my podcast have both been a dream come true, and being able to relate to so many different demographics out there, well I would have never even dreamed of that last year or ever. I’m going through my own personal version of the rewind of this year, let’s dig in shall we.
January 2020, it’s always a tough part of the year for me and it’s the ending of my months long mourning cycle. As I’ve mentioned many times it’s also the beginning of the awakening, I had been seeking for the last 5 years. The power of prayer and guidance definitely helped me get through those dark moments. To finally have a breakthrough after all these years of wallowing in my own unhappiness, was a relief. I know that my Mom was looking out for me that night and hasn’t stopped since. That’s not to say everything that has happened in the meanwhile has been perfect, but it’s taught me a lot about myself.
The ability to love and be loved truly are different for me. Well my definition of what it love was for the longest time. It was flawed, and even when I dated and got engaged, and eventually married, I’m not sure that it was what I thought. My heart had been an ice box since my Mom’s death, and that’s not to say I don’t know love or feel it, it’s just very different for me. It takes me awhile to feel out a person and their true motives for me to fully accept that love and caring from you. Somewhere along the way, I lost my way to feel complete emotion, and that’s something that I still struggle with even today. My perception of unconditional love, is what I received from my mother and my grandparents. It was like that warm blanket of security, that got ripped away as I got older. The reality of life was setting in whether or not I was prepared. Now I had to face my demons of life alone, even though in reality I’m not alone, it feels that way.
One thing I will never shy away from is my transparency of my story. It’s important for others who relate, not to see the glossed over version, aka a happy ending. My life is a mixed bag of emotions, and will always have its highs and lows, it how I choose to use them which is the real lesson here. I live life according to how I feel it should be. If you know me in real life you can see that, it’s on my own terms, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The decisions I make fit what I feel will impact me long term. That includes the failures I’ve experienced, that have etched their place in my mind, reminding me of what not to repeat in the future. I will always and foremost put my peace of mind and health before anything that I do, if it doesn’t serve my life and it’s purpose, it becomes a mute point.
In 2021, I will be making many changes to my life, some my even surprise people. Thing is I have to start living for myself, not for others and their opinions of me. I’m not done working on myself by any means, the course however has been set. I can look at myself in the mirror and say now, I love the person I’ve become. That’s been off and on the case for years, but I’ve really battled back from many things, that should have sunk me. If you are wondering what the breath of fresh air I refer to is, it’s the ability to understand where I stand in life.
In closing, things to remember when making New Years affirmations: don’t do it. We have gone through a worldwide pandemic, seen the world we know it come to a stop, anything you freaking accomplish is damn amazing! Whether next year includes yet another career pivot, a life change or just getting out of bed and dressed, I’m proud of you. The community that I continue to grow, will always be one of things that keeps me grounded. Let me reintroduce the person you met months ago, I’m Taaureane Rasheediah, medical site screener, blogger, podcast host and mental health advocate, thank you for allowing me to be apart of your routine and world. I’m also a wife, daughter and friend, a jack of trades and many hats. Your presence has allowed me to be the person that I was meant to be all of this time. If there is one promise I can make going forward and always, I will always be the flashlight, that beams in the darkness for you to see.
Take Care,
Taaury37
