As I listen to the hurricanes like winds outside I type, I realize that December is creeping up on me very quickly. The past year has been quite the experience to say the least, especially this past weekend. As I have mentioned before, I work in a hospital and right now we are going through the biggest surge of Covid, tensions and emotions are at fever pitch. Throw into that mix my seasonal depression, and it’s not exactly the cocktail for success. We have recently stopped visitation as the numbers are climbing out of control, its even beginning to affect my own inner circle, which is scary. I have so far knock on wood, not been diagnosed with the virus myself, but I have had very close calls in the past couple of months. It’s truly scary to put on a mask or N95 for hours, and pray that is enough protection from this near silent killer. As someone who wants to continue to work in the healthcare industry for years too come, this pandemic has been an eye opener. We were not prepared for this on any level, and while we probably thought this was a passing thing, we are knee deep almost a full year later. With promise of a treatment for it, we will be on the mend, but the normal we once knew, doesn’t exist and never will again.

2020 has also been a year of countless loses, from family to friends. This past weekend served as a reminder of how truly short life is. A group of people came into the hospital to visit their loved one. They came down about an hour later and I heard a moan and a scream. As the woman was leaving she said to me you know who it is. I got up from my seat and went to the hall and asked what the name was. The words out of her mouth next rocked me to my core, it was a childhood friend who I was still very friendly with. As she told me the details, she told me that the person had a medical emergency and was now brain dead. She screamed to me why, why would God take her so young, that the family has had so much loss. I listened and comforted her, rubbing her arm since Covid has taken the human element from everything. She asked me how does she tell the 2 children left behind that their Mommy isn’t coming back home, her children were the lights of her life and her soul’s purpose. My response to that was, tell them the truth, be honest with them and let them feel grief, and to remind them of the angel they now have looking over them forever. With that she let out the loudest scream and guttural moan from deep in her soul, I know that devastation, I did that when my mother was on life support and not expected to survive the night. Her husband came back in from getting the car and they left. I went back to my seat and digested what I had heard, my friend one of the biggest fighters in life, younger than me and in the true prime of her life, was being taken too soon. I broke down and had to excuse myself, earlier today she finally transitioned fully to the afterlife. A light has been extinguished from this world, but she will never be forgotten. From laughing at the bus stop, playing barbies and dancing on the patio and watching you be a Mom, those are things I will always cherish. C, your smile, laugh and aura will live on in all of us, you are now at rest with your beloved parents, until we meet again, say hi to my Mom she loved you.

It’s moments like this I reflect on anything minor that has gone on, time on this planet to let little things get to us. The words we say can often be the last interaction someone has with you, never be left with the what ifs. Always tell your family you love them, and the person who owns your heart, its not always important to be right on either side. Compromise, meet in the middle, and never go to bed angry, I mean let’s be honest cuddling is the best option here. With all seriousness though, love each other like everyday is your last. There are so many people who didn’t get that chance today, answers were replaced with deafening silence. You can’t put a price on a loved one, and what they take with them when they leave us unexpectedly. This is why the pain of still not having my parent lingers for me, no matter how long she’s been gone, I still grieve. The memories of holidays past linger in my mind, they play like a movie, rewind, fast forward and pause. My favorite memory will forever be when she went above and beyond and made reindeer tracks. On Christmas morning, I came down to white powder and real snow in my living room. This was when I was 7, and got my Barbie Dream House, with the elevator haha, I still believed in Santa then. Years later when the illusion was burst, I appreciated her doing that and eating the cookies we baked for Santa. Kids this generation have Elf on the Shelf, which basically serves the same purpose, the last part of innocence and believing. Hold on to that for as long as possible, they only stay so little for a short time. Soak up the Santa visits, the matching pjs in the family pics and dinners of what may be questionable ham, but are surrounded with laughter and love. One day you will shake up a snow globe and all of it will come flooding back.

For those like myself who don’t have a large family or ones that are local to me, we have to readjust our thinking. Creating memories with our friends or significant others, is our new reality. I don’t really have any traditions since I don’t have children, so Christmas is just a day when I usually work. Gifts are already purchased for family and distributed. I hope to one day have the joy in my heart for it when my Mom was alive, but I think that it would be only if I was a parent myself. To see that magic through a child’s eyes, its a wonder to me. The one thing that does stay the same is: I will watch The Polar Express, which was my movie with my Mom. I will cry at the end when he rings the bell and can’t hear it, but the sister carries it on. That is how I keep this difficult time from really getting to me, I could isolate and fall into a deep depression, but that’s not the way my Mom would expect me to live. Instead I celebrate the holidays that she does in the sky. If you listen at end of the movie, you can hear the bell and the love of the holiday rushes back. Always Believe.

Take Care,

Taaury37