A Scared Child

Not every child gets to actually have a childhood. Sometimes you are forced to take on responsibilities and don’t even fully understand what it is your doing. At least that’s how it was for me. ..

I grew up in a household with 2 Sisters, 2 Brothers, Mom, and my Step Father. He was the biological father to my 4 siblings. My Mother worked her butt off to keep all of her kids AND Boyfriend under a roof and fed everyday. She was always trying to keep us happy even though you could tell she was stressed out herself. My Step Father on the other hand was LAZY and abusive. He was more interested in playing on video games then he was his children or getting a job.

My whole life I remember always moving, first it was new apartments, then different hotels, and eventually we were in and out of shelters. In sixth grade alone I was is 3 different schools so if you think I had any friends growing up your wrong. On my 12th birthday while I was taking a shower, all of a sudden this loud music starts playing in the bathroom. I peep out of the shower curtain to see what was going on and saw my step father standing there getting undressed walking towards the shower. He then invited himself into the shower and told me he was going to help me wash up. Scared and not knowing what to do I started Backing away from this naked man in front of me. He then grabbed my arm, turned me around and told me “Be still I wont hurt you, and you cant tell anyone what is happening or there will be consequences.” He began to rub soap on my body with his hand veryyy slowly. I tried turning around and he mushed my face back to the front as he started rubbing his junk down my back and towards my butt. All I could do was start crying and praying. When he noticed my tears he picked me up, took me out the shower and brought me to his bed. He got on top of me and all I can remember is THE WORST PHYSICAL PAIN I had ever felt in my life. I tried to squirm away, I tried to fight but it was no use he was too strong. 

Dont judge and say “Oh why did you let that happen?” “Why didn’t you tell?”

FEAR is the answer

We were in shelters and finally got into a hotel where it was still bad but it was stable. What if I told and we were to get kicked out? Where would we go? Would my baby siblings have to sleep outside? What would my mom say about this? Would she even believe me? What if he hurts them? Me? 

I was terrified and I just knew in my mind if I told things would get bad for us and I couldn’t be the one to destroy the family and cause us to be homeless again. So I told myself as soon as we are in a better predicament I would tell the truth. I had to put my family first right?? Almost everyday for 6 years I would have this man to force himself onto me, while I would cry and pray{BEG} to god to save me or to take me with him to heaven. If I wanted to go outside.. I owed him. If I didn’t want to clean or cook.. I owed him. If I didn’t hear him speak to me.. I owed him. So much pressure trying to be perfect, scared to make mistakes, terrified to say no. My whole life sucked and I wanted to end it everyday, I was ready to give up!!

Sometime in August, after an encounter, I found some rope and tied it to the pole on the shower curtain. I prayed long and with tears running down my face,  I wrapped that rope around my neck and tried to set myself into freedom. I  told myself I couldn’t take it anymore I was tired of being scared of everything and everyone around me. How can I continue to live in this world when I was even to scared to be home? My “safe place” was the place I dreaded the most. Never had friends, was bullied for how I looked and acted, and then the man I thought was my father turned around and began to hurt me. As I took the step off the tub the medal pole broke off the wall and I laid on the ground shaking. I heard my sister come in the front door so I quickly got myself together and stepped out the bathroom. 

“Whats wrong with you?” she said to me and sat down beside me while I began to cry again. I told her everything! I couldn’t help it, the truth was just coming out as if I wasn’t in control anymore. 

The next day after school as I walked SLOWLY back to the hotel room, I already knew I went outside yesterday and had to pay for it. I walked in the room and was immediately told to go to the bathroom. But right before anything happened my mom was back from work early. She pulled me outside and began to cry and asked me what my step father was doing to me. My sister had went and told a teacher about what was going on. NOTHING was harder than having to tell my mom the truth. Seeing her cry felt like my ribs were broken from my heart pounding to hard. 

It took almost 3 months for the police to find evidence, interview us, and finally arrest him for only 8 years. After he was gone yes it was HARD for everyone but my wonderful mother bought herself a house, a nice car, and she got a good job. With him gone my mother was able to rise and ive never been so proud and happy for anyone in my life. I had a beautiful baby girl myself who is sooo smart and full of life. She gives me the hope and strength that I need to continue to keep going. I am very grateful to my sister for telling on him even though I asked her not too. You had the courage to do what I couldn’t and you freed our family from him and his abuse.

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